WELCOME TO THE FED-UP PARTY

My new vision for America...


1)  No more labels or party affiliations.  We are one country, so stop trying to cleave us in two or three or four.  We're all just Americans with suggestions now.  


2)  I will establish one-term limits for all Presidents, Senators, Representatives, Governors, Mayors, Assemblymen, Councilmen, Commissioners and the like.  You're big boys and girls now.  You get one shot to have your say and do what needs to be done (and this rule may be amended in time, by vote...IF you do a REALLY good job.)


2a)  You know what?  No more Congress.  I will form a new "Chamber of Progress" and reduce the size of the legislature to only four gentlemen/gentlewomen per state, regardless of that state's size or  voter base or influence.  There will be no aisle, and you'll have to sit next to and have lunch with someone new every day.


2b)  No more Speaker of the House, no more Majority or Minority Leaders, no more Whips. From now on you just raise your hand if you have something to say and you say it quickly and succinctly.  And no one's allowed to interrupt until you've had your say.


3)  No more free funding for elections.  If you want to serve that badly, you just go out and get people to support you on your platform and ideas alone.  Further, ANY campaign contributions shall be taxable on BOTH ends -- the giver (corporate or individual) loses the tax deduction and you have to claim all that money as income.  Ain't nobody funding the rest of the country to apply for jobs.


4)  No more PACS or lobbyists.  The whole lot of you are still just Americans.  The greater majority of the tax-paying citizens of this country can't afford to purchase influence, so you won't be able to either.


5)  It will now be illegal for any politician at any level of government to bad-mouth any other one, in any forum, no matter who they are.  Either YOU have a message or you don't.  No need to sling mud because someone thinks differently than you do.  Any infractions will be punishable with stiff fines and/or imprisonment (and possible spanking).


6)  All future legislation, budgets, cuts, spending and taxation will be voted on by the American populace.  We'll have votes every month if we need to, but there will be no more Progressional voting behind closed doors.


7)  I will see to it that the Office of President concentrates only on Domestic policy and no longer be troubled with matters of Foreign policy.  The Secretary of State and his/her staff will now be titled The Secretary (and Department) of Let-Me-Take-Care-Of-This, and given all the rights and powers necessary to do his/her/their job. 


8)  A professional team of provably successful economic advisors will take over matters of national budget, national debt, taxation and banking/investment regulation and all related fiscal decisions under a newly formed Department of You-Don't-Know-What-The-Hell-You're-Doing-So-Please-Get-Out-Of-The-Way.   


9)  The EPA, NIH, CDC and NASA will simply do their scientific jobs, staffed entirely by SCIENTISTS and without the influence of corporations or the Chamber of Progress.


10)  The US Military will stay out of politics and do their job PROTECTING AMERICAN SOIL.  Neither the President nor the Chamber of Progress will attempt to make our country the World Police or the Womb of Democracy.  The Armed Forces may, however, respond to the call of the United Nations or NATO to join coalition efforts if approved in a vote by the American populace.  


11)  Supreme Court Justices -- you are now one and done, so show up, pay attention, stop arguing, stop being so damned wordy and work faster to clear your docket.  Any and all legislation regarding the general populace and its civil or human rights will be subject to a national vote.  


12)  USPS -- you may not raise rates on postage ever again unless the populace first approves of it.  Your argument that e-mail is stealing your business away automatically negates your argument for more funding.  Oh!  And you WILL stop wasting our/your money by delivering unwanted, unnecessary junk mail and sales flyers immediately.  No one ever looks at that stuff anyway.  If Americans want sales flyers they can be found online, in any newspaper or at the front door of any store. 


12a)  Just to clarify if it's addressed to NEIGHBOR or CURRENT RESIDENT or bears no address whatsoever, that means "junk."


12b)  Go ahead and cut out Saturday delivery, and Tuesdays and Thursdays for that matter. No mail is THAT important.


13)  IRS -- you may no longer conduct audits of tax returns and threaten the public with liens and garnishments without first conducting an interview with the taxpayer in question. 


14)  FDA -- you will no longer approve any drug for market if said drug is more rife with warnings than benefits.  Further, you will allow no ingestible substances to be imported from China ever again.  If we need it that badly, we'll make it ourselves, domestically, without poisons.


15)  SSA -- if you f*ck with American's money ever again, under any circumstance, you will, personally, be subject to fines and or imprisonment.  And stop f*cking with the retirement age, too, while you're at it.  


15a)  And going forward, if even ONE American is denied what he/she paid into Social Security when their time comes, you will be required to start paying out from your salaries, those of the Office of the President and the Members of the Chamber of Progress to make up for what is missing from the coffers.   


16)  The NEA will now be melded into the Department of Education, staffed exclusively by equal numbers of educators, artists, musicians, writers, dancers and actors.  And the Chamber of Progress shall have no power over its mission or funding.


17)  Anyone legally capable of consensual sex, without regard to procreative ability, shall now be allowed to marry, share health benefits, enjoy equal legal rights, and file under all appropriate tax laws and stati as anyone else -- men to men, women to women, dog lover to dog for all I care.  Any human's sexuality that is not harmful to another is no one's business anyway.


18)  Any person applying for U.S. citizenship will be allowed/required to do so on the day they arrive on American soil, so long as they have a job and promise to pay their taxes.  


18a)  Anyone failing to work or pay their taxes will be promptly removed to Canada.  And, stop whining already, every American (regardless of ability, health or education) can do SOMETHING for the betterment of society. 


18b)  All unemployed/semi-employed/under-employed people will be paid a reasonable, LIVABLE rate of unemployment benefits whenever necessary and no longer be judged ineligible because current wages from a paltry part-time job (that they were LUCKY to have landed in the first place) exceeds the formerly-determined amount of possible benefits.  


19)  Any student with a federal loan who earns more than one failing grade per semester will be cut off and required to do a two year tour of duty in the military.               


20)  A new Department of Quitcher-Bitchin will be established to monitor and deal with any and all talking heads, news programs, radio shows, churches, mosques, temples, dinner tables, cocktail parties and social networking sites which promote, encourage or engage in political infighting.  Such behavior shall be subject to stiff fines and/or imprisonment (and possible spanking).    


Lastly, I promise to take only $50,000 in pay, travel commercially (and as seldom as possible), opt out of access to Presidential entertainment and discretionary accounts, be my own secretary, conduct my own news conferences, write my own speeches and personally cook for my family, dogs, friends and at least one Member of the Chamber of Progress every evening.


Vote Me For President in 2012

SPORTS VERSUS ARTS: WHO WINS?

I've been hearing a lot of frustrated commentary about the 2011 NCAA Basketball Championships, the tournament's general development and evolution over the years, and how the whole experience is being corrupted and sullied by ever-increasing commercialization.   

A basic summation is that what was once a pure and exciting sporting event has become ridiculous, driven by the mission of universities to fund their sports programs with more and more money, to attract greater and greater players and make better and better names for themselves, all while religiously avoiding any kind of incentives for the players beyond scholarships.

It's also being argued that despite players' free tuition these student athletes are held to typically lower academic standards by means of pressure from administrations on instructors, all in order to improve team records and increase standings in the "league."  Statistics show that no students in any other extra-curricular activities miss (or are excused from) more classes than collegiate athletes.   

Why do we require these extraordinarily talented young athletes to attend school at all, if not just to fill the coffers of the institutions?  Now add to this that coaches are much more aggressively recruited and far better compensated than the very best, most senior professors in any academic discipline.    

Now, let's visit the question of the inequity of resources and facilities in any college or university.  When faced with the choice of building a new field house or a new recital hall or a new lecture hall, where do you think the money will go first?  Aren't universities supposed to be about education?  Why not let professional sporting organizations create more farm leagues to provide more intensive training for athletes, thus allowing schools to reduce administrative costs and tuition prices and provide more opportunities for those who are not athletes and in sore need of education for their work-a-day futures.

Am I trying to suggest that education is not important for athletes?  No, I'm really not.  But I do think that there are a good number of athletes enrolled in schools with top-tier sports programs who couldn't care less about obtaining a degree. And, honestly, wouldn't now-student athletes better serve themselves by "specializing" in their athletic training without the distraction of classes and homework and more quickly land that multi-million dollar contract with a professional team?      

Try as I may, I can find little difference between the corruption of college sports and the greed of professional sports.  There may be no football season this year? Horrors!

It may be obvious, but I am no real fan of any sport.  I can watch and (somewhat distractedly) enjoy a game now and then, but, in the end I really couldn't give a rat's ass who wins or loses.  A pleasant summer's night out at the ball park with a beer and a hot dog, OK!; but sitting in front of a TV or listening to a 24/7 radio gab fest about the "finer" points of sports really isn't for me.  

Never having been an athlete of any merit, myself (but knowing many who have), I've always thought that fanaticism over sports was really about having once participated, but no longer being able to -- a sort of romantic, vicarious longing for lost youth.  I'm told that I'm wrong on this, but I will say that I can watch an entire golf tournament because I've played the game and both understand and appreciate the skill that goes into putting a small white ball in a hole in as few strokes as possible.  Challenge, skill, competition -- I suck as a golfer, but I get it.

I would rather slit my wrists or drive a sharp stick into my eye than watch more than about five minutes of ten men running back and forth and dunking a ball into a basket. Hockey moves too fast for my ADHD brain to follow and I can never find the puck. Baseball is too entirely slow and (sorry) really a game for boys, if you ask me.  Football has too many interruptions -- huddle, take positions, snap the ball, throw the ball, gain two yards, stop the clock, start again in about one minute...um, no thanks.  It's not that I miss the skill and ability of these athletes, I just don't care enough.

I have been a classically-trained musician almost all of my life.  I can play or sing from memory more works of more composers than I could possibly count.  I can listen to fifty different orchestras play the same symphony or concerto and never become bored, because I'm pitting the skills of one composer against another, one soloist against another, one horn player against another, etc.  An hour-long symphony?  An opera?  The Bach Mass in b minor?  Yeah, count me in.  Hell, I'll listen to the entire Neibelung in one marathon session if you ask me to.

So what's my point?  My point is that it saddens me that orchestras and opera companies and corps de ballet and choirs and theaters are failing with greater and greater frequency all over the world.  These organizations don't get nearly as much corporate sponsorship as sports teams (if any at all, save the chance to slap their name on the front of Orchestra Hall).  These highly talented, highly educated, highly dedicated artists aren't paid anywhere NEAR what professional athletes are, and fewer still enjoyed full rides in college.  There are no owners of arts organizations -- they're all non-profit.  And the government is constantly cutting back on arts funding, funding for arts in schools, etc.

Yes, people will support and pay to see what they enjoy most.  I understand (though I can't imagine laying down a couple of hundred dollars for my friend and me to see a game, let alone thousands for season tickets).  But I believe the slow death of arts organizations is directly attributable to the dearth of children going into the arts and their subsequent lack of interest in attending performances. The reasons for this are myriad, but mostly due to lack of access or affordability. And, let's face it, we live in a world in DESPERATE need of beauty.

Sure it's true that many foundations and wealthy individuals are quite generous in giving to the arts, but the difference between what arts organizations receive in grants and gifts and sponsorships is so much less than what a corporation will pay to have their logo splashed across the boards or even what they'll spend for that all-important Super Bowl commercial slot.  And why?  Just so teams can pay their coaches and players' contracts, maintain their stadia, and make sure the owners walk away with a handsome profit, themselves. Yes, empty seats in an opera house clearly beg a question about public desire for the finished product, but even sports events are blacked-out if the stadium isn't sold out.

Really, what does the world gain from bigger, stronger, more talented, more wealthy twentieth/twenty-first century athletes at the cost of many centuries' worth of art?  Do I recognize the artistic beauty of Michael Jordon sailing through the air toward the basket, or the poetic swing of Mickey Mantle's bat, or the balletic moves of Muhammed Ali, or the graceful arc of Dan Marino's spiral?  Yes, I do.  And I'm guessing that an athlete enjoys a career of about twenty to twenty-five years?  But an actor, a musician, an opera singer, even some dancers can enjoy a career spanning forty or fifty or sixty years.  

Wouldn't it be terrific if every corporation gave one tenth of what they spend on sports event advertising to an arts organization?    

Wouldn't it be nice to see more equity between musicians, singers, dancers, conductors, owners, coaches and athletes?  

Wouldn't it be great if an orchestra didn't have to fold and put over a hundred artists and administrators out on the streets, while a football team and local, state and federal governments spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a bigger venue for the sole purpose of increased ticket sales and tax revenues?  

Wouldn't it be fantastic if every child was encouraged to artistic study or had enough money to buy an instrument or to take dance lessons?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I didn't have to be nothing more than a sad, old, artistic, non-athletic dreamer?   

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY'S BATH AND A CHANTING MONK

Every morning my partner takes a good, hot bubble bath because it "soothes my aching muscles," "clears my muddled mind," "loosens my sinuses," "comforts me," "prepares me for my work day," "helps to break up the gas bubbles in my body and bloodstream," etc., etc., etc. (and you should know that each bath brings a newly proclaimed benefit.)

Day after day it's the same routine and he has it down to a science:  Run the bath with hot water until half full; check Facebook and Ancestry.com for at least fifteen minutes; fill the tub to full; strip down; step in and say "HOT!  HOT!  HOT!"; lower your heinie and naughty bits into the water and say, "HAH!  HAH!  HAH!"; submerge yourself up to your neck and say "AH!  THAT'S GOOD!"; then call one of the Boston Terriers to "play" with you (or berate said Terrier because you're just not in the mood today).

His bathroom is right around the corner from the kitchen (where I am).  By now he begins conversations with me, shouting loudly and periodically warning "Hang on, I'm goin' under," at which point, in mid-sentence, I put all thought on hold and await his resurfacing and permission, "OK....go ahead," as if the conversation was my idea in the first place.

This particular morning we were under a Severe Thunderstorm Watch and a Tornado Warning and the wind was gusting to about 50-60 mph.  My dearly beloved wind chimes out on the balcony were dancing away in the weather (admittedly loudly) and I was busy in the kitchen mixing, rolling, cutting and baking Puppy Cookies (a greatly nutritious, very healthy and incredibly easy recipe if you want your dog to have better treats than your average Snausage). Well, his Majesty calls out, "Oh, my God!  Please bring in the wind chimes!  I'm trying to relax here!  I tried to imagine that it was Tibetan monks, but it's not working!"

I put on shoes and go outside in the buffeting wind and lashing rain and pull the chimes from their perch, hanging them up on a hook in my bedroom.  I shuck my shoes, dry my hands, face and hair, and emerge to find the King imitating monk-like chant in the tub.  I resist the urge to strangle him.  Then he shouts out, "Hey! I'm pretty good at this chanting thing, listen!" and continues to demonstrate for me.  I join in, just for fun, before he points out that I'm not doing it correctly.  "No it has to be all gravelly....like this," and he models the correct tone as I walk away and curse him for all eternity.  





 

THE VERY EXPENSIVE WHIMS OF THE BORED/INSANE

I was driven from my desk today by such a racket in the parking lot of the hotel next door.  Now, I'm not talking somewhat annoying, I'm talking EAR-PIERCINGLY loud.  Two men had broken out gas-powered, industrial-strength blowers to "sweep" the parking lot clean of debris.  Why?  So they could spray a fresh layer of tar overtop.  (We'll just pretend for a moment that the parking lot was NOT re-paved and re-lined LESS than a year ago.)    

I refer to the man who owns the hotel in question as "Old Man Wastebucks."   He's a good-looking guy in his late sixties, always well-coiffed, well-dressed and a COMPLETE loon, if you ask me.  He's one of these micro-managers who visits occasionally and must examine and pick over the entire property with a magnifying glass and half a brain, barking orders and ideas and instructions to his maintenance staff and a never-ending stream of contractors who help him accomplish his lunatic vision for the place (at very great expense, I'm sure).

One month, they pour concrete slabs in the gardens...the next month they take sledge hammers, chisels and pick axes to make planters of them.  Today they paint the shed...tomorrow they have it clad in vinyl siding -- complete with rain gutters and downspouts (how fancy!).  The best idea he had so far was to install seven-foot tall chain-barriers at each of the entrances to the parking lot.  Why?  I don't know, but they DO stop his contractors from coming in, which then requires the maintenance staff to go out, climb up ladders, remove them, and replace them at the end of the day. This goes on and on and on. 

I realized today that his brand of craziness is not really that new to me.  

I remember the day my grandfather drove me in his four year-old car to the local Buick dealer; we came home with a brand new one -- my grandmother complimented him on the color of the car.  Another day my grandmother finished her tea at the kitchen table and declared, "We're replacing the sofa today."  Sure enough, the next day two men in a truck came to remove the five year-old suite of living room furniture and bring in a whole new one.  Yet another day I awoke to find the house full of contractors and carpenters removing the staircase; "This one's oak!" my Grandmother proudly proclaimed.  

It broke my heart when she decided to move off the mountain of Gallitzin into the valley called Altoona.  Her reasoning included the need for a home without steps.  They sold the old homestead, moved into the new rancher, and proceeded to construct a living area in the basement, complete with a kitchen and bathroom.  Each morning they'd rise from their beds on the main floor and make breakfast...downstairs.

This impetuousity didn't end with my grandparents, neither did it skip a generation.  About the time my sister and I were preparing to graduate high school and move away to college, my parents determined that it was time to sell our three-bedroom home.  Dad looked for land, haggled over prices, hired an architect, designed a lovely five-bedroom number and then decided to stay put and build additions on instead.  

Ten years later my parents sold the house to move into a five-bedroom monstrosity in an upscale neighborhood of Doylestown.  After only six years, the next-door neighbor's childrens'  behavior and their Ponderosa Pine cones littering my parents' driveway necessitated another move.  

Two levels of custom-built decks, two custom-made motorized canopies, a natural gas grill hook up, numerous gardens, new wood flooring, and three full stories of interior decorating later, my father now sits and pores over the real estate section of the newspaper every morning, determined to find "just the right time" to sell the house.    

I don't talk to my Dad all that much...but he did call a few months ago to tell me about their newest car (the eighth he's purchased since 1996).  It's a brand new deuce coupe convertible.  He explained that they bought it for my fourteen year-old nephew, "But there's no reason your Mom and I can't drive it around until then."

'Boredom or insanity' I ask?  And then I realize that I had an inexplicable need to share this story.  The apple/pine cone doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

A DISHEARTENING CONVERSATION YESTERDAY...

I was introduced to two new choir members yesterday and pleased to make their acquaintance.  When rehearsal was finished, and as the choir began filing to the back of the church for the opening procession, three members approached me:  the two new ones and one who's been there longer than I have.

The first new member (I'll call her Jane) was excited to tell me that she knows Scott (my life partner) from his work with a local arts organization (the Board of which she'd served in the past).  I told her that, yes, Scott was my "roommate," a wonderful guy and my very close friend for the past ten years.

The second new member (I'll call him George) asked about which town I live in and how long I've been here and where I work.  

The third, regular, choir member (I'll call her Ellen) became greatly concerned when I shared with George that I've been only semi-employed for the past ten months.  She asked how I was making ends meet, spending my time, etc., and I told her about my literary project.  She became greatly excited and asked about the plot.  George was still there and listening as I said:  "It's about two families who summer on a ficticious Island off the coast of Massachusetts, and how their teenaged sons fall in love with each other."

George let out a "Pfff!" and rolled his eyes.  I put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Yes, I understand that the subject is not for everyone, but I began writing this in response to the spate of gay teen suicides in the news last year.  I have a voice and I hope my message will convince a tortured teenager that being gay is better than being dead."  He walked away without another word, while Ellen comforted me and said that she can't wait to read it.

When...where...how did your precious Jesus counsel you to torture teenagers to suicide by your bias and fear, Mr. Christian?  When did Christ ever say that you had a right to choose judgment over love with regard to your neighbor...in the PEW right next to you?  

I and my people may not look like you, think like you, or love the people that you think we should, but we still believe that you have a right to a life free of fear and derision.  Who's truly living the Christian ethic?